WEDDING SPEECH JOKES

If you somehow found this page it's probably because you're trawling the internet looking for jokes to put in your wedding speech.  Well, to save you some of the hassle I have put together a pretty comprehensive list of wedding speech jokes. I add to it every couple of weeks or so.

WARNING: These jokes are to be used very sparingingly, if at all!  Most of them aren't great.  And the good ones have already been used hundreds of times before.  But hey, maybe it will give you a bit of inspiration!

If you are still stuck writing your wedding speech, come visit my website, The Wedding Toaster.  I help people all over the world by writing original speeches tailored just for their wedding.

Anyway that's enough from me.  On to the list...

THE LIST

  1. Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentleman. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.
  2. I don't believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won't contain anything controversial or embarrassing about Paul. Instead I'll refer only to the pleasant, loving side of his character. Thank you and goodnight. (Sit down)
  3. Paul is always thinking of others, an attribute welcomed by Linda in every place except the bedroom.
  4. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see Paul drinking alone.
  5. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
  6. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life.
  7. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
  8. I will admit to you that I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of all these people. All day people have been coming up to me and wishing me luck. Someone even gave me flowers, which made me feel a little bit like I was the bride! Well, I say flowers, they looked more like a wreath.
  9. Paul is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why Linda didn’t worry about introducing Paul to hers until today.
  10. Now I know what you’re all thinking, doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional – I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.
  11. I’d now like to focus on Paul for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the centre of attention.
  12. For those of you without the internet I'll update you on (Bride’s) Facebook account, which she's secretly using under the table as I speak. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to 'married', both of her parents immediately 'disliked' this, and 32 guys in this room have already poked her.
  13. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jason, and I am the best man. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such esteemed company was something of a surprise. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness.
  14. Paul and Linda began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together - during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume Paul had her wings clipped.
  15. Of course, the Groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
  16. The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd business man, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.
  17. Some of you will be wondering why it’s me stood up here today, when Paul has always made friends so easily. It’s because, out of the two of us he didn’t make out of plasticine, I drew the short straw.
  18. The Groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
  19. It has been a very emotional day ……..as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
  20. Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married Mark Owen.
  21. I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn’t take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Owen. (Take drink and sit down).
  22. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history.  The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
  23. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
  24. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff.  But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
  25. You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”
  26. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!
  27. Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked Howard what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight…
  28. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.
  29. There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Dave and Parry for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass.
  30. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.
  31. I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway.
  32. - Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you”ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.
  33. I can only say in my defence that Mike and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”
  34. I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
  35. During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago David and Pam were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it’s happening all over again today.
  36. Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam
  37. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ollie and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Ollie would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
  38. Firstly I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
  39. I decided to look up Dan’s date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened. Although the nurses on the ward where Dan was born still refer to that day as Ugly Thursday!
  40. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
  41. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:
  42. John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.
  43. So where do I start with Marc? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Marc …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
  44. What are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!
  45. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
  46. There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’
  47. Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there.
  48. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons
  49. I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle.
  50. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …
  51. On their first date, Sam took Julie to dinner at one of the poshest restaurants in [location]. All was going splendidly and Sam was delighted when Julie asked him seductively after the main course, if he would like some a little sweeter to follow. Blushing he said, “Oh yes please…” Julie, finding Sam to be the well-mannered chap that he is, said “It’s okay, you needn’t be so polite”, to which he replied “oh, well, in that case, yes please….you, you cow!”
  52. Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.
  53. Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐ The Aisle: it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take The Alter: the place where two become one The Hymn: the celebration of marriage.  I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”
  54. Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.
  55. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave.
  56. Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life.  Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.
  57. On Richards first date with Ally he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!
  58. I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!
  59. But I do think you owe me some thanks too Sarah.. For it was part of my extensive list of duties on this amazing day… To keep Simon’s ex Girlfriends away… Although I must admit Ladies and Gentleman… That I did get some help on that… from the recent foot and mouth outbreak…
  60. Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.
  61. For those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.
  62. His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.
  63. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
  64. You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!
  65. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
  66. Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Chris – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Chris is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.
  67. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
  68. Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.
  69. It’s been said that the best man speech should only be as long as it takes for the groom to orgasm during sex. (Look at watch, scowl to yourself) So, have a great night everybody!
  70. When it came time for the Best Man speech, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband the Groom was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone, etc… Then, the Best Man squinted at the paper, stumbled over the words, then turned to the Groom, handed him the paper and announced, "I can’t read your handwriting!"
  71. The Groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down the first three times I couldn’t refuse again.
  72. At my twin brother’s wedding I opened with: "When I first met the Groom I didn’t really like him. He was always crowding my space and stealing my nutrients, but after we busted out of that uteran prison we were perpetual partners in crime…
  73. When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
  74. I’m pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting… …you all to have a good time tonight!
  75. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.…May all your ups and down be between the sheets!
  76. Best Man asks for anyone with keys to the Groom’s apartment to step forward and return them. Of course, there’s a giant line of women (Grandmoms make it hilarious). Then the call is made if there’s any for the Bride’s. It’s just her Dad.
  77. There are 3 rings in marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly the catering.
  78. Hello I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic… Oh wait! Wrong speech!
  79. The Bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Thank goodness the Groom married her before she found one.
  80. To the Bride, I hope this is the best moment of your life, because it’s going to be followed by the most awkward three seconds of your life when you get back to the hotel room.
  81. And so today the single men of the world lost another catch. On the ladies side, not much has changed…
  82. During your best man speech, ask the Groom to put his hand over the Bride’s; then joke that it’s the last time the Groom will have the "upper hand."
  83. Women are like… Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.
  84. After you get married you go through three phases when it comes to sex: All-over-the-house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. Obviously all-over-the-house sex comes first after the wedding, you can’t keep your hands off each other, you do it in the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever. Bedroom sex is just the ordinary sex that happens when you’ve settled down a bit. Hallway sex… That comes years into the marriage, and it happens when one of you is leaving the house, the other one’s just coming home, and you shout "Screw you" in the hallway.
  85. I've been warned not to go into detail about *insert grooms name*' s past record. But what a coincidence 146 is his lucky number!!"  
  86. Ive been asked to prepare a few lines (sniff and hold your nose) and now ive snorted them i feel great.
  87. Firstly, i would like to say that (insert grooms name), i'm sure every body here today believes, that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert brides name) hand in marriage. We all know that (insert brides name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.
  88. See you can use that to your advantage, if whatever gag you open with doesn't go so well, just say "see I told you we should have had the speeches after the meal when everyone was ******"
  89. When they made <bridegroom's name> they threw away the mould. Unfortunately for <bride's name>, it has, apparently, since grown back'
  90. As you can probably see, I am as nervous as a kid at a Michael Jackson sleepover
  91. Giving a best man's speech is a bit like making love to Camilla Parker Bowles. It's a privellage, but no one wants to do it!
  92. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history.  The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
  93. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt.  Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

  94. I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in…….

  95. No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny…..

  96. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff.  But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

  97. You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”

  98. Stuart’s had some dodgy girlfriends over the years. I never forget a face but in their case I’d be glad to make an exception

  99. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative in the same night. That was a messy one!

  100. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.

  101. There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Dave and Parry for sticking to that rule to the letter. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass.

  102. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day.

  103. I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway.

  104. Nobody ever seems to pay the Groom a compliment, I think you”ll all agree Mike is also looking pretty good. For those of you who don’t know Mike is actually one of the hairiest men in Britain, with that in mind I’d like to thank the staff at Chester Zoo’s Ape and Monkey House on Mike’s behalf for their help in getting him ready for today.

  105. I can only say in my defence that Mike and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny please “Feel Free to Blame Mike.”

  106. I’d also like to congratulate Keith on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

  107. During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago David and Pam were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it’s happening all over again today.

  108. Apparently the continents of Europe and America are moving towards each other at a rate of about 5 cms a year. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam!

  109. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ollie and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Ollie would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.

  110. Firstly I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

  111. I decided to look up Dan’s date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened. Although the nurses on the ward where Dan was born still refer to that day as Ugly Thursday!

  112. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.

  113. John did tell me that the vicar was firmly against sex before marriage. However, Jane did assure him it would only take a couple of minutes.

  114. So where do I start with Marc? Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry…Marc …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.

  115. What are these you ask yourselves – well they’re Tom’s Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts & padlock] Sarah has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Tom and he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Sarah knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Tom is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Sarah. [Wait for keys to come back in, after being given out strategically to men, aunts etc] You dark horse Tom!

  116. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything.

  117. There was one time when Mike was asked, ‘What is Emma’s favourite flower?’ To which he had no hesitation in replying, ‘Self Raising!’ ‘What makes a good wife?’ ‘One who helps her husband with the washing up!’ And, ‘What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep?’ ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway’

  118. Leading up to today John and Jane were having an issue with the seating plan. Who would sit comfortably in here & who would have to get up and stand during the speeches so we decided to use wedding present list, biggest presents at front and work it back from there.
    So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of Jane and John thank‐you very much for the teaspoons

  119. I’ve also spoken to some of Mike’s work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is ‘The God’, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it’s usually a miracle.

  120. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …

  121. On their first date, Sam took Julie to dinner at one of the poshest restaurants in [location]. All was going splendidly and Sam was delighted when Julie asked him seductively after the main course, if he would like some a little sweeter to follow. Blushing he said, “Oh yes please…” Julie, finding Sam to be the well-mannered chap that he is, said “It’s okay, you needn’t be so polite”, to which he replied “oh, well, in that case, yes please….you, you cow!”

  122. Don’t worry my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Sarah has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And Tom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.

  123. Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: ‐
    The Aisle ‐ it’s the longest walk you’ll ever take
    The Alter ‐ the place where two become one
    The Hymn ‐ the celebration of marriage
    I think Sarah must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I’m sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn. “I’ll alter him”

  124. Now he’s getting a bit older he’s turning his attention more and more to gadgets, constantly buying stuff from ebay, amazon and I want one of those dot com. I swear he didn’t have an interest in women until he overheard someone say the secret to women was knowing what buttons to press.

  125. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no‐one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Dave.

  126. Although Ria did actually tell me Paul has always brightened up her life.  Well she actually said he never turned the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.

  127. On Richards first date with Ally he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack!

  128. I spoke to both Sally and Pete before the Wedding and I asked Paul what he was looking for in Marriage – he said “Love, happiness and a long life together.”

    When I asked Sally the same question – she replied – A coffee perculator!

    Well, she actually said a “perky populator” but I knew what she meant

  129. But I do think you owe me some thanks too Sarah.. For it was part of my extensive list of duties on this amazing day… To keep Simon’s ex Girlfriends away… Although I must admit Ladies and Gentleman… That I did get some help on that… from the recent foot and mouth outbreak…

  130. Speaking of Jane, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress …Dan likes it too, as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of the kitchen.

  131. For those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.

  132. His colleagues describe him as a first class banker – I may have misheard them.

  133. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!

  134. You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!

  135. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

  136. Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Chris – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Chris is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.